Clevland and Hobby
by Claws Bane
Summary: A boy named Clevland and his lion Hobby become moral enemies of Calvin and Hobbes.
1. Chapter 1

CLEVLAND AND HOBBY: The Alternate Calvin and Hobbes

CHAPTER 1

One day, the six year old boy Calvin and his friend tiger Hobbes were playing with Calvin's toy cars on the sidewalk. "And here comes a race car, zooming 200 miles per hour, against that cement truck!" Calvin yelled. "Oh, no! Now a chocolate truck has to turn around and quickly move out of the way!" Hobbes yelled. "Ka-boosh!" yelled Calvin, letting his red racecar fly in the air. "Um, Calvin?" Hobbes asked, quizzically. "Who are those guys?"

"Oh, it's probably just Susie and her dumb stuffed rabbit," said Calvin. "First of all, it is a bunny. Second of all, he's Mr. Bun. Third of all, they are boys. And fourth of all, one is a lion." "A lion?" Calvin said, dropping his "cement" truck. He turned around to see two guys walking. One was definitely a lion. The other was a boy with spiked hair in the front, a black shirt, and red pants with stripes. "Um, excuse me, but do you live here?" Calvin asked, getting up and brushing his pants.

"I just moved here," said the boy. "My name is Clevland. I used to live in Clevland, Ohio." "Oh, I'm Calvin. My friend Hobbes and I were just playing with trucks," Calvin said. "Hobbes?" laughed the lion. "Oh, don't be so sassy, you!" Hobbes growled. "Your name must be worst." "It's Hobby," Clevland said. Hobbes burst out laughing. "Shut up, Hobbes. His name isn't that much different from yours," Calvin said. "True," Hobbes said. "I see you are playing with some dumb ol' trucks," Clevland said.

"Dumb?" yelled Calvin. "Listen buddy, trucks are NOT dumb unless you use them scientifically." "Ha! You could not compromise the difference between a monetary between a fake, little truck," laughed Clevland. "What do you do? Pick your nose all day?" Hobbes asked. "We spend time in his lab," Hobby said. "We contrast salmon and gelato fish." "Oh, yeah! I make plenty of inventions!" yelled Calvin. "Like what? A spoor?" asked Clevland. "No. A transmogifier/time machine/ duplicator/ethnicator/ cerebal-o-tron," Calvin said. "Don't forget the transmogifier gun," said Hobbes. "Well, I have invented many creations not so… deliberate," Clevland said. "We've combined thing. I also made a cloneanator, thermal change subjection, and a radio teller."

"What the heck is a radio teller?" asked Calvin. "Boy, wouldn't YOY love to know?" asked Clevland. "Come, Hobby, we must go see Susan," waved Clevland. The two left. "I guess we got some new competition on the street," said Hobbes. "Don't worry. We will control this neighborhood," said Calvin. "I thought you said there were more kids here," Hobbes said. "Oh, yes I did. Now I got my wish," grinned Calvin.


	2. Clevland and Hobby: Chapter 2

CLEVLAND AND HOBBY

CHAPTER 2

Clevland and Hobby strolled by to a pink and white newly painted house. "Well, we're at Susan's," said Clevland. "Susan Perkins is sooooooooooo sweet, mama," said Hobby, starting to droll. "Okay. Now I have to help her for the math final. Go home, but whatever you do, do NOT touch the gun on my table," said Clevland. "Your parents will have a fit when they see that," Hobby said. "No, I'm testing it. Now go and guard it. Do NOT touch it, got it?" asked Clevland. "Yeah. Have a fun time with Susan," Hobby said.

Clevland gulped and knocked on the door. He was in love with Susan Perkins, the loveliest girl on the street. They've known each other since two months old, and now they are in the same first grade class with Mrs. Woodworm. He gently knocked on the door, feeling sweat down his palm. Susan's Mom, Cheryl, opened the door. "Clevland! What are you doing here?" she asked. "I came to study with Susan," said Clevland. "Oh, I'm afraid not. Susan is playing with her new friend," Cheryl said. Clevland lifted on eye brow. "May I come in?" asked Clevland. "Sure! Please do!" smiled Cheryl. "Would you like some coke?" "No, thanks. I need to speak with Susan," said Clevland, going up the stairs.

Susan was playing with another girl. Clevland knocked on her open door. "Clevly!" yelled Susan, wrapping her arms around Clevland. "Hi, Sue," said Clevland. The other girl in the room walked over. "This is my new friend, Susie," said Susan. "Yes. Your mom mentioned it," Clevland said. "Hi, I'm Susie Derkins," said Susie. "Hello, Susie," Clevland said. "I thought you were going to study." "Tomorrow. Me and Susie are having a tea party," said Susan. "Great! I came over here for nothing and had to pass that idiot and his toy on the sidewalk!" said Clevland. "Wait, what idiot?" asked Susie. "Some kid with a tiger. Yellow spiky hair," said Clevland. "Oh, that stupid Calvin? I hate him!" yelled Susie.

"Me too! Even his stupid tiger made fun of Hobby!" yelled Clevland. "Hobby?" asked Susan and Susie. "Who is **that**?" asked Susie. "Only the most cutiest stuffed cat ever," Susan said. "Oh," Susie said. "I will destroy Calvin," Clevland said. "Good luck," Susie said. "I do not need luck, dear Susie," smiled Clevland. "Sure, when ignorance is so supply able these days," said Susie. "I'm not ignorant. I'm blissful," said Clevland, leaving the two. "Isn't he adorable?" asked Susan. "I would beg a differ," Susie said. "Shall I get the cookies?" "I'll make more tea. Keep our guests occupied," Susan said.

Clevland kicked a rock down the street. Hobby came along, drinking a big bowl of salmon juice. "Is that tonight's dinner?" asked Clevland. "I just took out all of its juice. We lions prefer lots of animal liquids," Hobby said. "So what's up?" "Susan has been spending a lot of time with this Susie Derkins," said Clevland. "Poor kid. You two made a fine couple," Hobby said. "We're not breaking up!" said Clevland. "Most babes ruin your heart, my father said," Hobby said. "Now I know that Calvin's weakness," smiled Clevland. "What is it?" asked Hobby. "He really likes this Susie, so I shall take her away from him," grinned Clevland. "You may be overdoing it," Hobby said. "Look at you! I'm not stuffing my face!" Clevland said. "Okay, so how will we eliminate this Susie?" asked Hobby. "My new gun, which I hope YOU didn't touch, as I said before," Clevland said. "Trust me. Your dad almost found out," Hobby said. "But I got him distracted by taking this bowl." "Okay. The gun will zap Susie into our hands, we give a ransom to Calvin, and then we destroy him," Clevland said. "Can I eat Hobbes?" asked Hobby. "Ew, why?" asked Clevland. "Oh, come on. I'm a beast! I've eaten worse before," Hobby said. "Can't argue with THAT statement," Clevland said. "To the lab!"


	3. Clevland and Hobby: Chapter 3

_THE DEVIOUS PLAN_

_Clevland and Hobby raced into Clevland's room. "Okay. Good. Now we can capture Susie," smiled Clevland. Hobby put the salmon bowl down. "How does it work?" Hobby asked. "Simple. I think of Susie Derkins and zap! she appears!" said Clevland. "Of course into our hands." "Why not think of Calvin and destroy him here?" asked Hobby. "Well, first, Mom would kill me with the stain on the carpet with blood," Clevland said. "And second, it only works on GIRLS." "So why not just think of Susan and make out with her here?" Hobby asked. "You are just a loaf, aren't you?" Clevland growled, grabbing the gun. "Wow, aren't we being a little cynical today?" asked Hobby sarcastically. "You just need to learn how to shut your open trap before I trap it myself," Clevland said, getting his plastic gun. He closed his eyes and smiled . "Uh, Clevland?" Hobby asked. "Shh! Ah, good old-" smiled Clevland. ZAP! Clevland flew back and the gun hit Hobby. Then an image flickered. "I'm a genius!" yelled Clevland. "Well, I'll be!" smiled Hobby. "Where am I?" asked Susan. "Clevland. H-How did I get to your _house?" asked Susan. "No! I thought you were Susie!" yelled Clevland. "You want to date SUSIE?" asked Susan. "No, you see, uh-" sputtered Clevland. "Listen, you, why don't you tell me if you are dating my friend before sucking me here where Susie was supposed to!" yelled Susan. "I was keeping Susie hostage so Calvin would free her!" yelled Clevland. "WHAT? WE ARE THROUGH!"

Susan grabbed the gun and zapped away. Clevland started tearing up. "Uh, buddy?" asked Hobby. Clevland sniffed and burst crying. "Why?" he cried. "Why is MY life a disaster! I loved her soooooooooooooooo much!" "Well, you could still date Susie," suggested Hobby. "Are you insane? Susan is probably telling Susie as we speak!" sobbed Clevland. "But Susan doesn't know how to use the gun. She probably zapped herself somewhere else," Hobby said. "Clevland! Dinner's ready!" yelled Clevland's Mom. "Be right there!" shouted Clevland. He flopped on his bed.

Susan, who zapped herself in a dumpster truck, huffed down the sidewalk. Calvin looked up. "Listen, lady, go somewhere else, will ya?" asked Calvin. Susan kicked Calvin's truck and stormed away. "Boy, are girls insensitive?" Calvin asked. "I still like 'em," smiled Hobbes. "Oh that stupid, rotten, lousy piece of garbage! !$% him!" cursed Susan. 

Clevland sat at the dinner table. "What's wrong, honey?" asked Clevland's Mom, who had black, long hair and glasses. Clevland's Dad had short brown hair and dress shirt. "Oh, nothing. My algebra homework is just frustrating," Clevland said. "Maybe you should spend time outside. It's a beautiful Saturday!" Clevland's Mom said. "Nah. I'll just invent more stuff," Clevland said, scooping some meat loaf. "Boy, honey, this salmon is dry! Where's the juice?" asked Clevland's Dad. "I took it out but it went somewhere," Clevland's Mom said. "Can I take some salmon to Hobby?" asked Clevland. "Just finish it," Clevland's Mom said. Clevland sighed.

Clevland, at night, sighed. "What's wrong?" asked Hobby. "Gosh, it's almost eleven at night and I'm wide awake!" said Clevland. "Still thinking about Susan, huh?" asked Hobby. "Yes. I love her more than my life," Clevland said. Hobby turned towards Clevland on the bed. "Women are hard to come by these days," Clevland said. "Let's just get some sleep," Hobby said. "Yeah," said Clevland, closing his eyes. "THAT was easy," sighed Hobby, turning and wagging his tail.


	4. Clevland and Hobby: Chapter 4

CLEVLAND AND HOBBY CHAPTER 4

THE HORRIBLE DREAM

Clevland fell from the sky and hit a large cement truck. Unluckily, it was wet, so Clevland got tried up. "Oh, just great," Clevland said, climbing out of the truck, but it hit a bump and Clevland flew to another truck full with millions of tree seeds. Unfortunately, they stuck to him. The cement dried up, with seeds sticking to Clevland. "Jesus Christ," Clevland said, jumping out of the truck. He could barely move. Then he saw a yellow sports car. "This is so a dream," Clevland said. The car stopped and the window rolled down. A young man with combed 60's hair and shades nodded. His black leather jacket was all straight, not a wrinkle. "'Sup, loser," nodded the kid. "Get away, punk," Clevland said, licking his dry lips. "Okay, honey, lets leave this jack hole alone," said a girl. "Susan?" asked Clevland, moving over, stiffly. "Yeah, you haven't changed a bit, huh, Clevland?" Susan asked, who was still young with black glasses and a pink shirt with a blue dress. "We're off to the school prom dance. Where's your date, or were you rejected?" laughed the kid. "You're only six, and you can't even drive," Clevland said. "Let's leave," Susan said. The kid flicked his chin and started the car. Clevland walked in the street but a candy truck trampled him. Some cement stuck on the tire, but Clevland had tire trucks running from his neck to his feet. "I wish I could wake up from this crazy dream," Clevland said. He then got sucked into a black hole and got sucked to his school. "How, what, wait?" asked Clevland, quizzically. Calvin, in a tuxedo, walked over with Hobbes, who was in an HQ tux. "Hey, look, it's dirty and ugly Clevland," pointed Calvin. "Shut up, brat! No one is going out with you!" yelled Clevland.

Then Susie walked over. "Ready, dear?" she asked. She held Calvin's hand and walked with him. Clevland opened his jaw. He poured some orange punch on him, and cleared some cement. Then he awoke.

Hobby yawned. "Wow, that was the shortest and craziest dream ever!" said Clevland. "What was it?" asked Hobby. "Want me to explain?" asked Clevland, stretching. "Sure. It's still four in the morning," Hobby said. "Okay, here it goes:" said Clevland.

"_I fell from the sky," Clevland said. "And hit a cement truck. Unluckily, it was not dried, so wet, and I tried to get up and tried to jump from the truck but it hit a bump and I flew to another truck full of tree seeds. Unfortunately, __they got stuck to me. Then I jumped out of that truck. I could barely move. Then I saw a yellow sports car and the window rolled down. A young man my age with a combed 60's hair and shades nodded to me. I tried to threaten him until I saw Susan in the passenger's seat. She had on a pink shirt and blue dress. The kid told me there was a prom dance at our school, and they zoomed away. Then, as it left, I walked in the street until I was ran over by a candy truck, and tire tracks were down from my neck to my feet. I was then sucked into a black hole and was transported to the school. I then saw Calvin in a tux and Hobbes in an HQ tux. Calvin laughed at me and he went with Susie to dance. I poured orange punch juice on me and I finally woke up."_

"That was some detailed dream," Hobby said. "I know. It has to mean something. I'm going to see if Susan would talk to me," Clevland said.


	5. Chapter 5

CLEVLAND AND HOBBY CHAPTER 5

NO TALK, NO DATE

Clevland fell asleep again and had the same exact dream, except it extended to the point where Clevland saw Susan and the cool kid make out in a hotel room, then Clevland got crazy and shot Calvin and started harassing Susie. Hobby yawned. "Wo! It's almost eight!" Hobby said. "Well, lets eat breakfast and we'll talk to Susan," said Clevland, changing from his PJs into his regular clothes. He went downstairs quietly. "Shhh, Mom and Dad may still be sleeping," hushes Clevland, creeping down the stairs.

Hobby got out some toast and the milk and set the table. Clevland made some bacon, pancakes, and eggs and put them down. "Why is it always September and you get dumped?" asked Clevland, munching on some toast. "Yeah, you should wait till at least March," Hobby said, sipping some milk. Clevland sighed and ate some pancakes. "What am I gonna say, Hobby?" asked Clevland. "Well, I suppose you can say you didn't mean everything the way it seemed, and you didn't mean to zap HER to your room, and you meant to zap Susie," said Hobby. "That's the craziest and stupidest idea ever! She would take it purposely!" yelled Clevland. "Sheesh, no wonder she dumped you!" said Hobby. After eating bacon, Clevland put the dishes away into the sink. "Well, we still have an extra hour to do something before ten," said Clevland. "Wow! It feels like it's nine," said Hobby.

Clevland went to his room and lied on his bed. "Hey, remember, no talk, no date!" said Hobby, grabbing some Lego's. "This is pure quantity! I am fabricated like a chair!" yelled Clevland. "I come up with a devious plan to get rid of some kid and I regret it!" "Hey, how about some soup and crackers after the talk?" asked Hobby. "How about lets see what mood I'm in," said Clevland. Hobby sniffed the air. "I smell good tomato soup!" said Hobby. "Stop talking about food! That is not important! Half the country is starving and you want MORE food?" asked Clevland. "Well, maybe some salty crackers," said Hobby. Clevland looked at his clock. "It's time," Clevland gulped.

The two friends strolled to Susan's house. "Is she awake yet?" asked Hobby. "I don't know," said Clevland. "So, we still plan on the soup?" asked Hobby, with a wide grin. "How about some chocolate chip doughnuts and you stop talking about food," said Clevland. "Wow! I never knew they made chocolate chip doughnuts! I mean, I like cookies, too, but doughnuts? Maybe some sprinkles and whip cream as well," smiled Hobby. "Stop!" yelled Clevland. He glanced at the window and saw Susan open the curtain. She opened her window. "What do you want, you moron?" growled Susan. "I came to talk with you!" shouted Clevland. "With your stupid stuffed tiger?" asked Susan. "First, that kid Calvin has a tiger. Hobby is a lion," Clevland said. "Whatever," Susan said. "I just came to talk!" shouted Clevland. Susan took a deep breath and closed the window. Thirty seconds later, she walked out.

"What?" she asked, folding her arms. "I'm sorry about yesterday," Clevland said. "What? Is it transporting me to your house or telling me you wanted Susie?" asked Susan. "Listen, I love you more than Hobby. I mean it! I just want you back!" Clevland said. Susan smiled and chuckled. Clevland smiled. "So yes?" he asked. "Of course!" said Susan. "Yeah!" cheered Clevland. "-not," finished Susan. "Yeah, wait, what?" asked Clevland. "See you alone at the prom dance we are suppose to attend next week," waved Susan, going in. Clevland sighed. "Where are you Hobby?" asked Clevland. "I didn't mean it like I said. I'm such a stupid idiot." 


	6. Clevland and Hobby: Chapter 6

CLEVLAND AND HOBBY CHAPTER 6

THE GREAT LUNCH

Clevland strolled to his house. "I can't believe I lost my best friend eve," sighed Clevland. He opened the door. "Mm, what smells good?" he asked. He walked to the kitchen and saw Hobby put food on the table. "This is amazing!" said Clevland. "Oh, thanks. See, I knew Susan would dump you, and your parents went out to do the groceries for an hour or so, so I prepared a lunch," said Hobby. "This is great, but Susan won't come here, remember?" Clevland said. "I am always thinking ahead," Hobby said, putting down some Mexican chips. Hobby got out the gun they used last night.

Clevland gulped. "Come on, you know you wanna," Hobby said. "I feel too pressured," said Clevland. "Look at this lunch, though!" said Hobby. "I have three chips: Mexican, Lays originals, and barbecue Lays, with some tomato soup, crackers, chocolate chip doughnuts, lemonade, biscuits, and some whip cream, sprinkles, and chocolate syrup." "This **does **look delicious," Clevland said. "Here, let me help." Clevland got three spoons, knifes, and forks while Hobby set some napkins. "Ready?" asked Clevland. Hobby nodded. Clevland closed his eyes and pointed the gun next to Hobby. Suddenly, Susan transported there, sitting on her knees. "What are you doing, stalker?" asked Susan. "If you hat my dirty guts, fine, but please accept this nice offer of a good lunch," Clevland said.

"Never, lizardo!" yelled Susan. Clevland quickly locked the door before she could reach it. "Please, eat with us," said Clevland, feeling Susan's smooth skin. Susan rolled her eyes and sat in one of the chairs. Hobby winked and sat next to Susan. "This is good soup," said Susan, sipping some of the tomato soup. "Thanks. Hobby made it himself," said Clevland. "Whatever," said Susan. Clevland got some crackers and crunched them in his teeth. Susan ate a biscuit. "Susan…" sighed Clevland. Susan wasn't paying attention and devoured the biscuit. "I…I love you," said Clevland. "I know. You repeat every day!" said Susan, drinking her soup. Hobby sipped some lemonade. "Why do you keep looking at your stuffed animal?" asked Susan. "Sorry. I'm sorry about yesterday. I-I just hate that kid Calvin," said Clevland. "So you take it out on me and Susie?" asked Susan. "Susie and I, actually it should be said," Clevland said. "But I love you. I just wanted to lure Susie so Calvin would come here."

Susan laughed. Clevland raised a brow. "Susie told me she is pasted but Calvin all winter! He even started a secret club to exclude girls!" laughed Susan. "Are you still in my club, S.M.A.R.T.?" asked Clevland. "You mean Stay Mild At Resumption Tests?" asked Susan. "Yeah. Our basic duties are to help kids before finals. Like I did with you," said Clevland. Susan gave an expression that suggested Clevland was too strong. "You ugly animal," said Susan, kissing Clevland on the lips. Clevland was shocked but got attacked by love. "Thanks for shopping with me," said Clevland's Mom walking in. "CLEVLAND!" she shouted. Clevland pulled back and the two looked at Clevland's Mom and Dad.


End file.
